EPIPHANY

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People Watching 101

This past weekend I had a fabulous time at a friends birthday party (Happy Birthday Hilton)!  His party was the only event at this particular venue, so there wasn’t the normal over crowding that you find in Atlanta on a Saturday night.  There was plenty of food, and the DJ was excellent.  For a moment I felt like I was back at a club in NYC or Jersey….but I digress.  We pretty much danced the night away, but I also had the unique opportunity to do a lot of “people watching” at this party.  Between the time I spent on the dance floor, at the bar, at my table and at the valet, I noticed several important things that we should be mindful of when are at the club.

Don’t Ask Dumb Questions:  FYI there is no good reason to wear dark sunglasses in a nightclub.  Ladies if you see a man with shades on in the club, please do not ask him why he’s wearing those dark sunglasses.  You already know the answer…HE’S BEING EXTRA!  You’re asking him will only make you look desperate.  Don’t further feed his delusions of celebrity by acting like a groupie.

Grammar, Phonics, and Pronunciation:  Was “what cho name is” ever a suitable pick up line?  I was standing at the valet and a guy came up to me and told me I was “bootaful”.  Please note he said “bootaful”, not “beautiful”.  While I get where he was going with the statement, I am generally going to pass on any guy that obviously failed phonics.

Look the Part:  On my way home I stopped at a light and a shiny new model Lexus Sedan pulled up next to me.  The windows were tinted, so I couldn’t see inside the car.  My first instinct was to check the security of my door locks and then to make sure I wasn’t “boxed in” in case I had to flee a potential car jacker.  That fool lowered his window and he was wearing one of those paper hair net things. He tried to get my attention, but I sped off as soon as the light turned green.  Unless you are serving up mashed potatoes in the cafeteria line, a hair net on a man is NEVER appropriate! 

Body Language:  Why do men think they need to let a woman know she’s not smiling?  FYI guys, unless we recently had a stroke, we know when we’re smiling.  So if you see a woman in the club, at the gas station, or at the express line in Publix do not feel compelled to interrupt her thoughts by telling her to smile.  It should also be noted that a woman standing with her arms folded and not giving eye contact is not the universal signal for “come hither cornball”.  If you must to engage her in conversation please do not start with “why do you look so mean”.  This is like the mother of all oxymoron’s!  You think she looks mean, yet you approach her anyway….how desperate are you?   If she is in fact mean, and packing a taser it would serve you right.  We don’t have to be walking around with a painted on grin.  Some of us prefer to smile on the inside.  If a woman is giving you that “I don’t want to be bothered” vibe, take the hint!

Dancing Shoes:  Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to put your bare feet on that nasty club floor! Ladies, I know we do a lot for the sake of beauty.  At times we may have to wear those shoes that are a bit too narrow, because we know they are the only ones to make our outfit POP!  Having said that, when wearing the too small shoes to the club, unless you plan on surgically removing your pinky toe in the restroom, you just can’t dance to every song.  Find yourself a seat, and stay in it until YOUR SONG comes on.  Dance for a minute, and then sit your tail back down. You in your seat getting your chair dance on is a much better look than limping to your car looking like Aunt Esther at the end of the night because your feet are killing you.

Recognizing Limitations:  Every hairstyle has its limits.  Before you hit the dance floor, be mindful of yours.  If you know you need a touch up, you can’t dance song after song after song.  The longer you dance the more you’ll sweat and we know the roots are always the first too go. Lest you want to leave the club looking like the Lady of Rage (rock rough and stuff with your afro puffs), I suggest you not dance too hard and frequently check your edges for signs of swelling and frizz.    

Guy is NOT the Future:  Unless your name is Aaron Hall or Charles Oakley, please cease and desist with the wide leg super long crooked cuff pants!  For some reason thick thighed guys seem to think these pants camouflage something.  NOPE!  The pants hide nothing, and probably do more harm than good, so please stop wearing them.   And if you are pairing them with a too tight “dress” wife beater, discontinue that nonsense as well. (Sidebar:  the “dress wife beater” is not the Fruit of the Loom/Hanes one that you find in the men’s underwear section.  The dress wife beater is purchased as a shirt from “Structure” or some other Metro-Sexual clothing store.  The neck band is usually very thick and it comes in assorted colors).  For those that don’t know the “dress” wife beater is probably the most lame thing a man can wear.  It screams “Look at me, I go to the gym.”  When women see that shirt we scream “YUCK, what kind of loser wears a wife beater to the club”.  The only person that should have on a wife beater in the club is DMX.  Men I beg of you…..no more wife beaters in the club!  Please do not wear them as part of an “outfit” when you go on a date.  Believe me when I tell you the dress wife beater is never a good look.

In closing I would just like to say we all (women and men) notice things in our social comings and goings.  I guess you would say this list represents the things that annoy me, but I’m sure someone out there is willing to cosign…

JerzeeChick

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August 23, 2007 - Posted by | Fun, Girlfriends, Laughter, Life, Single

5 Comments »

  1. You forgot to add CHEAP MEN!!!! Do not sit next to me at the bar and talk my head off if you are not prepered to buy me a drink. After 60 seconds my throat is too DRY to keep talking…so please move your cheap a$$ out of that seat so that another elegible bachelor can sit there.

    Comment by Tameka | August 23, 2007

  2. You also forgot the toothless, jobless, jheri curl wearing loosers who stand OUTSIDE the club trying to find a woman to take them home. I would like to know, what these fools got going on that has their self esteem so high…that they think that teeth, paper and a fade aren’t a requirement in getting a woman.

    Comment by Kira | August 24, 2007

  3. I know you confined your observations to those men who frequent the club….but allow me to mention the tired men who bug you while you are working out. If I am running, working on my fitness (you know…trying to get my sexy back), why exactly do you think I would want to stop and talk to you and your boys? What are we gonna do, walk to my car so I can give you a ride? Come on, now.

    Comment by Andrea | August 28, 2007

  4. Like Swiss Beatz said ‘ I aint trying to pay that girl” She aint got no money in the bank but walk around here actin all stank”. Give me a break! Some females go out to clubs with no money in their possession and think a man supposed to buy her drinks all night long, I think not! I do not mind buying a drink or two for a total stranger however, the female should be able to pay for the drink she is ordering i.e. Do Not order Moet and Cristal because the man is paying and you only have Cisco money in your knock off Gucci bag. That’s not a good look!!

    Comment by Urban Royalty | August 31, 2007

  5. Wow, I love this list. It’s everything I dislike about Clubs!

    Comment by mariamtatianna | September 1, 2007


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