EPIPHANY

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Single In The City

Let me start by saying I am not bitter.  I believe in love, and I think when two people are on the same page relationships can be good.  Last week in my “Don’t Ask” blog I highlighted the virtues of the single life.  I had several cosigners that pretty much felt the same way.  For us, at this point in our lives the single life works well.  We are a sub-culture that I like to call “Single In The City’s”.  We embrace our singledom and we are happy.  We are single, but we are not desperate…which brings me to my next topic… The Desperately Seeking Whatever’s.  The DSW’s just want somebody.  They are not too particular, they are just tired of reading issue after issue of Bride Magazine.  They hate not having a date to bring to family functions and their heads are so full of useless wedding banter that if they don’t get to select a china pattern and reception menu soon their heads might explode *rolling eyes now*.  They look at every man as a potential husband.  You might often hear them mumbling “okay God, is he the one” as they sidle up to some dude at Fox Sports Grill. The problem with the DSW is she doesn’t know the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now! 

The male DSW’s are just as bad.  They want a Boo/Wife/Baby Mama/Jump Off so bad that most of them come to the club every weekend prepared to seal the deal.  You know the type.  Very over zealous about handing you his business card when you didn’t even ask him his name!  Starts calling you Sweetie three seconds into the conversation and whispers something dumb like I can’t believe I found you. He’s also very touchy feely. *shaking head in utter disgust*. The DSW’s deserve to be together. If this were a perfect world it would work out that way, but alas I live in Atlanta which means some fool with his hot breath and his cheesy pick up lines is always going to be trying to get in my face! 

I am not waiting to exhale.  I never lost my groove, so I don’t need to get it back.  I’m just single in the city.  I try not to mix too much with the DSW’s because those chicks can wear me out.  I prefer to hang out with my fellow Single in the City homies because at least I know we are all on the same page.  We all agree that the dating game in Atlanta is like a bad Lifetime movie.  We can people watch in the club for hours because it is by far more entertaining than anything playing at Regal Cinemas. 

On any given night at any club/bar/lounge/social gathering you’ll find the usual suspects.  There will usually be four types of men in attendance: Cheesy, Corny, Cocky, and Contrived.  Not to be outdone, you’ll also find four types of women: Lame, Corny, Whatever, and Pressed.  You’ve seen them.  You can spot the corny chick from clear across the room. She wears mini-dresses and pant-suits from the 80’s.  Her weave ponytail is okay, but her edges are always a hot mess!  We all also recognize the corny guy quick.  He’s the guy that wears a bow tie and suspenders a little too often.  He may wear a t-shirt and argyle sweater vest to the club.  If you get peek at his socks, more times than not they are argyle as well.   All things being equal, you can work with corny!  A corny guy/girl is not always a lost cause.

Next we have the Contrived man and the Pressed woman.  They would both be a part of that DSW crowd.  A contrived man is the guy in the club wearing wide leg linen pants a la Aaron Hall and a tight t-shirt to show off his pecks *rolling eyes again* .  He’s a little over zealous with his business card too, and if he has a luxury vehicle he’ll be walking around with his key prominently displayed.  Every time you see a contrived man he is going to have on a tight shirt so that you can be impressed by his physique (he is probably trying to get into some sort of bootleg fitness magazine).  Not to be outdone, the Pressed woman is always going to have on too tight ill fitting jeans, or a low cut top, or a short skirt and stiletto’s.  They both try too hard!  They are desperate and they want you to want them.  Please don’t fall for it.  They are totally self absorbed and deserve to be saddled with EACH OTHER only. They can feed into each other’s narcissistic personalities quite nicely, while leaving the rest of us alone. 

The contrived guy has delusions of grandeur.  He will tell you he is staying in one of his rental properties. Translation: He is renting a house from his homeboy.  He will offer to buy you a drink, pay in cash with a hundred dollar bill, then count his change and not leave a tip *rolling eyes so hard I think they got stuck*.….oh yeah did I mention the Contrived guys are cheap too!  More than anything I hate a cheap man.  Once you see hints of his tight wad-ness you need to run in the other direction because it’s only a matter of time before he starts asking you to fill up his gas tank when he picks you up for a date.

The pressed woman also has delusions of grandeur.  She’s the type to wear her sunglasses inside the gym.  She will re-touch her make-up and perfume before she hits the treadmill, and then she’ll start to smell like a French whore five minutes into her run because that perfume is too strong.  I hate the pressed woman with her Diana Ross weave that she tries to pass off as her own, and her fake Hermes bag and scarf that are in heavy rotation (I’m no hater, but If I see you wearing runned over Payless shoes, I have a hard time believing that you can afford to spend 5G’s on a purse….and put that stupid scarf away.  It’s 90 degrees outside)!  Men do not be fooled by the Pressed woman.  She may look good on the outside (if you like that tacky over-processed look), but it’s all smoke and mirrors!

So just to recap, you want to avoid the Pressed and Contrived men and women.  Trust me, they are always way more trouble than they’re worth.  Us “Single In The City’s” know how to navigate through the masses of foolishness, but I wanted to put those of you with an untrained eye up on the game. When you are out this weekend, scope them out from a distance.  You’ll see the Contrived guys posted up at the bar trying to hold their stomachs in. He might hit you with a weak pick-up line like “Your husband let you come out by yourself.*gag gag vomit faint*.  You’ll see the Pressed women trying sidle up to any man that looks like he might be buying drinks. She’ll be very touch feely too, and probably giggling like a six year old because someone told her it made her look cute. *slitting wrists with a letter opener now*. I will pick up next week with more of my Single in the City misadventures. And to all you Contrived and Pressed DSW’s that might be reading this blog….watch your backs because I just dropped a major dime! J 

JerzeeChick       

 

  

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September 13, 2007 - Posted by | Girlfriends, Relationships, Single, Society

2 Comments »

  1. LMAO!!!!! Jerzeechick you just broke it down for real! I have a couple of “dsw” friends and they get on my damn nerves!!!!!!!! Always showing me pictures of bridesmaid dresses…in my head I’m like yall don’t even have a man. Needless to say I never go anyplace with them!

    Comment by Tameka | September 13, 2007

  2. I think when your out there looking, your setting yourself up for frustration. People should live there life and prepared themselves for the blessing God has for them. When your house isn’t in order, you may be blocking your own blessings. Being single in Atlanta works for me and I enjoy myself. Life is what you make it. There will always be cheesy, corny, cocky, contrived, lame and pressed people everywhere. Just make sure your not one of them.

    Comment by The Lone Wolf | September 14, 2007


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