EPIPHANY

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Everything In Its Place?

When was the last time you were truly honest with someone, even though you knew it would cause you a headache in the end?  A couple of nights ago I was having a conversation with a fellow “Single in the City” friend.  He was telling me about a movie he had just watched where one of the main characters said, “there is no place for honesty in a healthy relationship”.  My friend and I debated the virtues and pitfalls of honesty for a while, but it really made me think.           

At first I was all for 100% honesty.  I truly believe that for me, honesty is the best policy.  I would rather hear the truth than be lied to, no matter the situation.  As we continued to talk I agreed I always wanted to hear the truth, but I don’t always tell the truth.  I have learned over the years that everyone can’t handle it.  I am not only talking about male/female relationships.  I often choose not to tell my friends the truth because it’s easier to “go along to get along”, than to open the can of worms that comes with honesty.  Is that crazy?  By not being honest are we simply enabling the behavior that we don’t like?             

As an example, I associate with two people that are chronically tardy.  I hate to be late, and I hate to be kept waiting, yet these two people in my circle seem to have no concept of time.  For one of them, the tardiness is funny.  I know she tries to be on time, but she just can’t manage it.  I know she’s going to be late, so I expect it and it doesn’t bother me.  Now the other person…her tardiness annoys me to no end.  Not only is she always late, but she doesn’t care that she’s late.  She offers no apology, and it is as if wasting my time is of no consequence to her.  I could be honest and finally tell her how it bothers me.  I could tell her that the always showing up late with no remorse and that “and what” attitude wears on my last nerve.  Yes I could tell her this and a whole lot more but I realized the nature of our relationship is one where I bite my tongue because I would rather suffer in silence than hear her justifications.  (FYI: There is nothing worse than a person that will be dead wrong and then try to tell me how un-wrong they really were).                          

The aforementioned “Single In the City” friend is constantly telling me to keep it 100 (as in be 100% honest).  In the spirit of this blog I decided to count how many people I feel comfortable keeping it 100 with.  I AM SICK! My list consists of 5.5 people (five definite’s and a possible).  Of all the people I know….of all my friends, family and associates (male and female), I can only keep it 100 with five maybe six of them. (I am fairly certain the rest of the people I know can’t handle the truth). *somebody pray for me*. 

We all have that one friend that you just can’t tell nothing, and we would rather take the she’s grown stance than speak our minds.  Is your friendship any less relevant because you would rather spare her feelings than hear her mouth? If you know for a 100% fact your home girl is dating a guy that is a lowdown dirty dog, do you tell her?  It might sound harsh, but if you know she’s not going to leave him, what exactly do you gain?  You tell her, she confronts him, and then tells him EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID, he denies, and then is giving you the screw face every time you come around…..no thanks, I’ll mind my business on that one. She’s grown!

What about families?  If you have a relative that you know is a certifiable NUT will you say it?  Do you call them on their nonsense, or continue with the status quo of their nuttiness because you don’t want to spearhead the next family feud?  We probably know our family members better than anyone, so we know who can take constructive criticism and who can’t stand to hear that her potato salad is not the answer!  Censorship is totally acceptable when it comes to family.  The last thing anyone wants is to see their branch of the family tree permanently severed.

But back to my original point….Do you think honesty has a place in a healthy relationship?  And on a more personal note…Does your “keep it 100″ list resemble a spades hand or is it more equitable?  

JerzeeChick 

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September 20, 2007 - Posted by | Friendship, Girlfriends, Life, Opinion, Relationships

6 Comments »

  1. You really have to know who you are dealing with. There are a small % of people that seek the absolute truth and can handle it. A very small %. Most people when presented with the truth choke on it, like an object is lodged in their throat. The truth hurts and people would rather stay in there comfort zone then be confronted by a harsh reality. They say, “Honesty is the best policy.” But is it? I’ve told the truth before about my feelings in a relationship and it became a hurdle that the both of us were never able to get over. I’ve even been beat down in a relationship, because I totaled the truth(not literally). Keep it real, a woman wants her man to compliment her when she dressed up about to go out on the scene with her girls. THE TRUTH: “Baby those pants don’t look right with that extra 20lbs you put on. You should only eat 2 or 3 Oreos at a time. You eating the whole pack after midnight is really starting to show in those Seven 1/2 jeans.” THE LIE: “Baby your looking hot, have fun tonight. Your gonna be the finest woman in the spot. I don’t even know if I want you going out.” Keep it real!!! You want your man to lie, when it works for you. That’s keeping it 100.

    To answer the question, yes I will lie to preserve a friendship or relationship. So in the words of Col. Nathan R. Jessup in A FEW GOOD MEN “You can’t handle the truth!”

    Comment by The Lone Wolf | September 20, 2007

  2. Please tell me the truth–especially when I share an issue/concern with you. I value your opinion or I would not have even bothered. Don’t spare my feelings–you could potentially save my life. I would be disappointed if it turns out that you lied b/c you are generally an honest person as it relates to everything else. Sometimes hearing what you already know to be the truth is may motivate you to get your act together!

    Comment by Irving on the Crest | September 20, 2007

  3. You can’t always tell people the truth especially members of the opposite sex because THEY CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.

    Comment by Nichelle | September 20, 2007

  4. If I value the friendship, relationship or familyship I honor it with the 100% Honest Truth. I don’t always go out of my way to show them the LIGHT, but when I am confronted with the situation, I have to call it like I see. Sure sometimes they will hate me, but I don’t hate me! What’s more as I grow in years I find that the same hate will mature into profound respect. Being able to handle the Truth is a lesson everyone needs to learn.

    Comment by Fiona A. Edwards | September 21, 2007

  5. […] politiquevert wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptHe was telling me about a movie he had just watched where one of the main characters said, “there is no place for honesty in a healthy relationship”. My friend and I debated the virtues and pitfalls of honesty for a while, but it really … […]

    Pingback by Relationship » Everything In Its Place? | September 25, 2007

  6. Hmmmmm! 100% honesty… that is a tricky one… With time you learn who you can be 100 % honest. Specially with your significant other. Sometimes honesty hurts, so I save certain things to myself. Plus you have to always put in a scale the good and the bad, that is my metric, if the good ones are more than the bad ones, you don’t even mention what is bothering you, because it is not worth it, to fight or argue over something that can really be overlooked. With friends you have to keep a little more patience, because like you say, some things might bother you, but is it really worth it to fight over tardiness? Next time you set your date for a time and you be the one tardy, make her or him wait for you. If you know the person is always late, set the time for a different hour and also be later than her/he. One of my dearest friend is like that and like you say, doesn’t even acknowledge her tardiness, doesn’t even care that someone or other people is waiting but I can not take her out of my life, she has been with me thru my childhood issues, including my parents divorce and my 1st boyfriend, my 1st heartbreak, my 1st an only childbirth, she is part of my life, I just have to deal and live with it. As for 100% honesty in a relationship, what you don’t know won’t hurt you. I mean life is short, sometimes things happened and you can not regret every little thing you do, but you can’t either go telling everyone, so love, live and laugh, that is a good motto. Also if you keep your mouth shot the flies don’t come in (or something like that). Be impulsive, don’t think things twice, just do it and forget about it the next day. You will live happier that way… Of course there are things you have to come clean with, like those 10 pairs of shoes you couldn’t resist to buy and it will show in the credit card next month…. or that your red t-shirt was mixed with his white undies and now are pink, hello… that is being brutal honest, he will find out anyway, but you are telling upfront. Good deals amend the bad ones, the universe has a way to balance your conscience or at least I do have my own method, that way I don’t hurt anybody. For real, enjoy live and don’t waste too much time thinking about the little things, don’t sweat it, live it.

    Comment by La Diva Loca | September 26, 2007


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