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Everything In Its Place?

When was the last time you were truly honest with someone, even though you knew it would cause you a headache in the end?  A couple of nights ago I was having a conversation with a fellow “Single in the City” friend.  He was telling me about a movie he had just watched where one of the main characters said, “there is no place for honesty in a healthy relationship”.  My friend and I debated the virtues and pitfalls of honesty for a while, but it really made me think.           

At first I was all for 100% honesty.  I truly believe that for me, honesty is the best policy.  I would rather hear the truth than be lied to, no matter the situation.  As we continued to talk I agreed I always wanted to hear the truth, but I don’t always tell the truth.  I have learned over the years that everyone can’t handle it.  I am not only talking about male/female relationships.  I often choose not to tell my friends the truth because it’s easier to “go along to get along”, than to open the can of worms that comes with honesty.  Is that crazy?  By not being honest are we simply enabling the behavior that we don’t like?             

As an example, I associate with two people that are chronically tardy.  I hate to be late, and I hate to be kept waiting, yet these two people in my circle seem to have no concept of time.  For one of them, the tardiness is funny.  I know she tries to be on time, but she just can’t manage it.  I know she’s going to be late, so I expect it and it doesn’t bother me.  Now the other person…her tardiness annoys me to no end.  Not only is she always late, but she doesn’t care that she’s late.  She offers no apology, and it is as if wasting my time is of no consequence to her.  I could be honest and finally tell her how it bothers me.  I could tell her that the always showing up late with no remorse and that “and what” attitude wears on my last nerve.  Yes I could tell her this and a whole lot more but I realized the nature of our relationship is one where I bite my tongue because I would rather suffer in silence than hear her justifications.  (FYI: There is nothing worse than a person that will be dead wrong and then try to tell me how un-wrong they really were).                          

The aforementioned “Single In the City” friend is constantly telling me to keep it 100 (as in be 100% honest).  In the spirit of this blog I decided to count how many people I feel comfortable keeping it 100 with.  I AM SICK! My list consists of 5.5 people (five definite’s and a possible).  Of all the people I know….of all my friends, family and associates (male and female), I can only keep it 100 with five maybe six of them. (I am fairly certain the rest of the people I know can’t handle the truth). *somebody pray for me*. 

We all have that one friend that you just can’t tell nothing, and we would rather take the she’s grown stance than speak our minds.  Is your friendship any less relevant because you would rather spare her feelings than hear her mouth? If you know for a 100% fact your home girl is dating a guy that is a lowdown dirty dog, do you tell her?  It might sound harsh, but if you know she’s not going to leave him, what exactly do you gain?  You tell her, she confronts him, and then tells him EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID, he denies, and then is giving you the screw face every time you come around…..no thanks, I’ll mind my business on that one. She’s grown!

What about families?  If you have a relative that you know is a certifiable NUT will you say it?  Do you call them on their nonsense, or continue with the status quo of their nuttiness because you don’t want to spearhead the next family feud?  We probably know our family members better than anyone, so we know who can take constructive criticism and who can’t stand to hear that her potato salad is not the answer!  Censorship is totally acceptable when it comes to family.  The last thing anyone wants is to see their branch of the family tree permanently severed.

But back to my original point….Do you think honesty has a place in a healthy relationship?  And on a more personal note…Does your “keep it 100″ list resemble a spades hand or is it more equitable?  


September 20, 2007 Posted by | Friendship, Girlfriends, Life, Opinion, Relationships | 6 Comments

Single In The City

Let me start by saying I am not bitter.  I believe in love, and I think when two people are on the same page relationships can be good.  Last week in my “Don’t Ask” blog I highlighted the virtues of the single life.  I had several cosigners that pretty much felt the same way.  For us, at this point in our lives the single life works well.  We are a sub-culture that I like to call “Single In The City’s”.  We embrace our singledom and we are happy.  We are single, but we are not desperate…which brings me to my next topic… The Desperately Seeking Whatever’s.  The DSW’s just want somebody.  They are not too particular, they are just tired of reading issue after issue of Bride Magazine.  They hate not having a date to bring to family functions and their heads are so full of useless wedding banter that if they don’t get to select a china pattern and reception menu soon their heads might explode *rolling eyes now*.  They look at every man as a potential husband.  You might often hear them mumbling “okay God, is he the one” as they sidle up to some dude at Fox Sports Grill. The problem with the DSW is she doesn’t know the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now! 

The male DSW’s are just as bad.  They want a Boo/Wife/Baby Mama/Jump Off so bad that most of them come to the club every weekend prepared to seal the deal.  You know the type.  Very over zealous about handing you his business card when you didn’t even ask him his name!  Starts calling you Sweetie three seconds into the conversation and whispers something dumb like I can’t believe I found you. He’s also very touchy feely. *shaking head in utter disgust*. The DSW’s deserve to be together. If this were a perfect world it would work out that way, but alas I live in Atlanta which means some fool with his hot breath and his cheesy pick up lines is always going to be trying to get in my face! 

I am not waiting to exhale.  I never lost my groove, so I don’t need to get it back.  I’m just single in the city.  I try not to mix too much with the DSW’s because those chicks can wear me out.  I prefer to hang out with my fellow Single in the City homies because at least I know we are all on the same page.  We all agree that the dating game in Atlanta is like a bad Lifetime movie.  We can people watch in the club for hours because it is by far more entertaining than anything playing at Regal Cinemas. 

On any given night at any club/bar/lounge/social gathering you’ll find the usual suspects.  There will usually be four types of men in attendance: Cheesy, Corny, Cocky, and Contrived.  Not to be outdone, you’ll also find four types of women: Lame, Corny, Whatever, and Pressed.  You’ve seen them.  You can spot the corny chick from clear across the room. She wears mini-dresses and pant-suits from the 80’s.  Her weave ponytail is okay, but her edges are always a hot mess!  We all also recognize the corny guy quick.  He’s the guy that wears a bow tie and suspenders a little too often.  He may wear a t-shirt and argyle sweater vest to the club.  If you get peek at his socks, more times than not they are argyle as well.   All things being equal, you can work with corny!  A corny guy/girl is not always a lost cause.

Next we have the Contrived man and the Pressed woman.  They would both be a part of that DSW crowd.  A contrived man is the guy in the club wearing wide leg linen pants a la Aaron Hall and a tight t-shirt to show off his pecks *rolling eyes again* .  He’s a little over zealous with his business card too, and if he has a luxury vehicle he’ll be walking around with his key prominently displayed.  Every time you see a contrived man he is going to have on a tight shirt so that you can be impressed by his physique (he is probably trying to get into some sort of bootleg fitness magazine).  Not to be outdone, the Pressed woman is always going to have on too tight ill fitting jeans, or a low cut top, or a short skirt and stiletto’s.  They both try too hard!  They are desperate and they want you to want them.  Please don’t fall for it.  They are totally self absorbed and deserve to be saddled with EACH OTHER only. They can feed into each other’s narcissistic personalities quite nicely, while leaving the rest of us alone. 

The contrived guy has delusions of grandeur.  He will tell you he is staying in one of his rental properties. Translation: He is renting a house from his homeboy.  He will offer to buy you a drink, pay in cash with a hundred dollar bill, then count his change and not leave a tip *rolling eyes so hard I think they got stuck*.….oh yeah did I mention the Contrived guys are cheap too!  More than anything I hate a cheap man.  Once you see hints of his tight wad-ness you need to run in the other direction because it’s only a matter of time before he starts asking you to fill up his gas tank when he picks you up for a date.

The pressed woman also has delusions of grandeur.  She’s the type to wear her sunglasses inside the gym.  She will re-touch her make-up and perfume before she hits the treadmill, and then she’ll start to smell like a French whore five minutes into her run because that perfume is too strong.  I hate the pressed woman with her Diana Ross weave that she tries to pass off as her own, and her fake Hermes bag and scarf that are in heavy rotation (I’m no hater, but If I see you wearing runned over Payless shoes, I have a hard time believing that you can afford to spend 5G’s on a purse….and put that stupid scarf away.  It’s 90 degrees outside)!  Men do not be fooled by the Pressed woman.  She may look good on the outside (if you like that tacky over-processed look), but it’s all smoke and mirrors!

So just to recap, you want to avoid the Pressed and Contrived men and women.  Trust me, they are always way more trouble than they’re worth.  Us “Single In The City’s” know how to navigate through the masses of foolishness, but I wanted to put those of you with an untrained eye up on the game. When you are out this weekend, scope them out from a distance.  You’ll see the Contrived guys posted up at the bar trying to hold their stomachs in. He might hit you with a weak pick-up line like “Your husband let you come out by yourself.*gag gag vomit faint*.  You’ll see the Pressed women trying sidle up to any man that looks like he might be buying drinks. She’ll be very touch feely too, and probably giggling like a six year old because someone told her it made her look cute. *slitting wrists with a letter opener now*. I will pick up next week with more of my Single in the City misadventures. And to all you Contrived and Pressed DSW’s that might be reading this blog….watch your backs because I just dropped a major dime! J 




September 13, 2007 Posted by | Girlfriends, Relationships, Single, Society | 2 Comments

People Watching 101

This past weekend I had a fabulous time at a friends birthday party (Happy Birthday Hilton)!  His party was the only event at this particular venue, so there wasn’t the normal over crowding that you find in Atlanta on a Saturday night.  There was plenty of food, and the DJ was excellent.  For a moment I felt like I was back at a club in NYC or Jersey….but I digress.  We pretty much danced the night away, but I also had the unique opportunity to do a lot of “people watching” at this party.  Between the time I spent on the dance floor, at the bar, at my table and at the valet, I noticed several important things that we should be mindful of when are at the club.

Don’t Ask Dumb Questions:  FYI there is no good reason to wear dark sunglasses in a nightclub.  Ladies if you see a man with shades on in the club, please do not ask him why he’s wearing those dark sunglasses.  You already know the answer…HE’S BEING EXTRA!  You’re asking him will only make you look desperate.  Don’t further feed his delusions of celebrity by acting like a groupie.

Grammar, Phonics, and Pronunciation:  Was “what cho name is” ever a suitable pick up line?  I was standing at the valet and a guy came up to me and told me I was “bootaful”.  Please note he said “bootaful”, not “beautiful”.  While I get where he was going with the statement, I am generally going to pass on any guy that obviously failed phonics.

Look the Part:  On my way home I stopped at a light and a shiny new model Lexus Sedan pulled up next to me.  The windows were tinted, so I couldn’t see inside the car.  My first instinct was to check the security of my door locks and then to make sure I wasn’t “boxed in” in case I had to flee a potential car jacker.  That fool lowered his window and he was wearing one of those paper hair net things. He tried to get my attention, but I sped off as soon as the light turned green.  Unless you are serving up mashed potatoes in the cafeteria line, a hair net on a man is NEVER appropriate! 

Body Language:  Why do men think they need to let a woman know she’s not smiling?  FYI guys, unless we recently had a stroke, we know when we’re smiling.  So if you see a woman in the club, at the gas station, or at the express line in Publix do not feel compelled to interrupt her thoughts by telling her to smile.  It should also be noted that a woman standing with her arms folded and not giving eye contact is not the universal signal for “come hither cornball”.  If you must to engage her in conversation please do not start with “why do you look so mean”.  This is like the mother of all oxymoron’s!  You think she looks mean, yet you approach her anyway….how desperate are you?   If she is in fact mean, and packing a taser it would serve you right.  We don’t have to be walking around with a painted on grin.  Some of us prefer to smile on the inside.  If a woman is giving you that “I don’t want to be bothered” vibe, take the hint!

Dancing Shoes:  Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to put your bare feet on that nasty club floor! Ladies, I know we do a lot for the sake of beauty.  At times we may have to wear those shoes that are a bit too narrow, because we know they are the only ones to make our outfit POP!  Having said that, when wearing the too small shoes to the club, unless you plan on surgically removing your pinky toe in the restroom, you just can’t dance to every song.  Find yourself a seat, and stay in it until YOUR SONG comes on.  Dance for a minute, and then sit your tail back down. You in your seat getting your chair dance on is a much better look than limping to your car looking like Aunt Esther at the end of the night because your feet are killing you.

Recognizing Limitations:  Every hairstyle has its limits.  Before you hit the dance floor, be mindful of yours.  If you know you need a touch up, you can’t dance song after song after song.  The longer you dance the more you’ll sweat and we know the roots are always the first too go. Lest you want to leave the club looking like the Lady of Rage (rock rough and stuff with your afro puffs), I suggest you not dance too hard and frequently check your edges for signs of swelling and frizz.    

Guy is NOT the Future:  Unless your name is Aaron Hall or Charles Oakley, please cease and desist with the wide leg super long crooked cuff pants!  For some reason thick thighed guys seem to think these pants camouflage something.  NOPE!  The pants hide nothing, and probably do more harm than good, so please stop wearing them.   And if you are pairing them with a too tight “dress” wife beater, discontinue that nonsense as well. (Sidebar:  the “dress wife beater” is not the Fruit of the Loom/Hanes one that you find in the men’s underwear section.  The dress wife beater is purchased as a shirt from “Structure” or some other Metro-Sexual clothing store.  The neck band is usually very thick and it comes in assorted colors).  For those that don’t know the “dress” wife beater is probably the most lame thing a man can wear.  It screams “Look at me, I go to the gym.”  When women see that shirt we scream “YUCK, what kind of loser wears a wife beater to the club”.  The only person that should have on a wife beater in the club is DMX.  Men I beg of you…..no more wife beaters in the club!  Please do not wear them as part of an “outfit” when you go on a date.  Believe me when I tell you the dress wife beater is never a good look.

In closing I would just like to say we all (women and men) notice things in our social comings and goings.  I guess you would say this list represents the things that annoy me, but I’m sure someone out there is willing to cosign…


August 23, 2007 Posted by | Fun, Girlfriends, Laughter, Life, Single | 5 Comments


In Pre-K I had two very good friends.  At the age of three what do we really know about friends, let alone “good friends”?  As I grew older I formulated other friendships.  I did the whole Best Friends Forever thing in my high school yearbooks, and swore we’d be friend for life.  Time passes and people grow.  Most of those people are no longer in my life.  I guess they were there for a season, and when that season ended so did the friendship.

Fast forward to a new millennium, and here I am.  As I look over my life I see how truly blessed I am to associate with the people I now call “friends”.  A few of them have been there for the long ride; two since first grade, and one since high school.  Majority of the rest of the people I call my friends came along in college or shortly thereafter.  We were all growing up and finding ourselves together.  At some point we clicked, and life long friendships were born.  Even though most of us have moved away and we rarely see each other, we are still “friends”.  It’s not about the quantity of time we spend on the phone or emailing one another, it’s about the quality of the experiences we’ve shared.  I have a couple of friends that I’ve known since the late nineties.  While they weren’t around for my asymmetrical bob, the BSU years, and the infamous bone crusher incident of ’95 they are still my friends.

How do you define your friends?  It’s not necessarily the person that is ready to hit the clubs with you every night.  While he/she might be a friend now, what happens in twenty years when you are no longer interested in the club scene?  Do you really see this friendship growing with you as your path in life changes? 

There is nothing wrong with “work friends”, the “friend from exercise class”, or the “friend that does your taxes”.  They are good friends to have too, but today I’m talking about those tried and true friends.  The ride or die friends that would gladly cut somebody for the sake of saving my life if it came down to it!   The friends that taught me not to take myself so seriously and the people that laughed with me during the good times and cried with me during the bad.  The people I called when I was in need, and the people who knew I’d be there when they needed me.  Those are my friends, and today I celebrate them.

Take the time to celebrate your friends too!  Even if there are several states and time zones between you, pull out the old photo album and laugh at the good ole days.  Husbands and wives can come and go, and children will eventually grow up and get lives of their own.  Don’t forget about those people that were there for you before you became who you are today!  Meet for a “stroll down memory lane” cocktail. Send them a shout out text, or a let’s get caught up email.  Whatever you do, do it in the spirit of the friendship that will keep you bonded for the rest of your lives. 


June 21, 2007 Posted by | Friendship, Girlfriends, Relationships | 6 Comments